The Hardest Thing

So during service on Sunday I couldn't concentrate. I know it sounds bad but how can I focus on God with all this stuff? It's junk. Well here's what I got:
1 Thessalonians 5:16-Always be joyful.
Right now I am really struggling with this. i have always tried to put a smile on my face despite how I am feeling. I used to be able to do this so easily. When I said I was mad I would be laughing. But lately, within this past month, I've been finding it really hard to smile and laugh. I keep reminding myself of all the blessings God has provided me. I try not to swell on all the bad things that are going on. This stage is also awkward to me because I don't like talking about my problems because I don't like complaining. But I'm learning how to do this. My friend brought up a good point: How can you be vulnerable to God, and the Holy Spirit if you aren't vulnerable to man, living flesh. She said something along those lines, not sure if it was exactly that but pretty close. I don't open up to many people and when I do it is still a little reserved. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 goes on to say Never stop praying. This I have been struggling on too I haven't stopped but I feel like I should be doing it more. I know this is a time of growing. God is preparing me for what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. I got prayer this morning. One of the ladies kept saying "I'm calling you Bobbi. I'm calling you." It reassured me and, I believe, more confirmation because I believe it was God talking to me through her. She also said more encouragement for me and made tear up. I feel all mucky inside. Kinda like there is moss growing inside me. I don't know what it is but when I start to think about it I get sick. I've been getting sick a lot lately. Not like sick sick where I am bedridden but an upset stomach and I feel like throwing up. I gag but nothing comes out. What do you do when you know you are supposed to be joyful always when you know you are being attacked, physically, mentally, and spiritually? I try not to snap. I really do. But sometimes it just gets to me. Then I feel bad about it after. I ask for forgiveness but then sometimes I turn around and do it again. I really don't

and that is where I ended cause I started to feel really sick. I felt like throwing up again but when I got to the bathroom nothing came up...I know it sounds sick but it feels a lot worse. Its just really hard right now and I know I'm gonna get through this.

Seeing

So lately I've been having trouble with my sight, both literally and spiritually. My contacts have been bugging me like crazy. For some reason they just won't stay and I have to put them in a couple times before they actually stay. It bugs the crap out of me and I've been rubbing my eyes like crazy the past couple days. When I dream I don't see clearly. It's like I'm looking through a foggy glass. I can remember my dreams but they are hazy. Like I am trying to look through fog. I talked to my mom about it and she said that this could be God telling me to open up my eyes. Which makes sense to me. I've been praying for God to open my eyes and see the things unseen. I've actually made that part of Hosanna by Hillsong my prayer, "Heal my heart and make it clean Open up my eyes to the things unseen Show me how to love like you have loved me Break my heart from what breaks yours Everything I am for your kingdom's cause As I go from nothing to eternity" And I've totally felt different since I've been praying this. I have been hurting for those who are slowly turning away from God. Who aren't showing that they live for God. They say that they love Christ but their lives do not show it all. It hurts. And I want to try to help them. I truly do. But I feel so awkward. I don't really know these people but I care for them. This is something I am really going to work on. Talking to people even if they won't listen. Ezekiel 2:5~And whether they listen or refuse to listen-for remember, they are rebels-at least they will know they have had a prophet among them. Now I am not a prophet as far as I know, but I can tell people about God and what God has to tell them through me. In chapter 3, It goes on to say "If I warn the wicked, saying, 'You are under the penalty of death,' but you fail to deliver the warning, they will die in their sins. And I will hold you responsible for their deaths. If you warn them and they refuse to repent and keep on sinning, they will die in their sins. Buy you will have saved yourself because you obeyed me. If righteous people turn away from their righteous behavior and ignore the obstacles I put in their way, they will die. And if you do not warn them, they will die in their sins. None of their righteous acts will be remembered, and I will hold you responsible for their deaths. But if you warn righteous people not to sin and they listen to you and do not sin, they will live, and you will have saved yourself, too." (18-21) This has been really big for me lately. If I have the power to save someone from going to hell and I don't, that's a big problem! I urge you to speak out! Stand up for God. It's not easy. I can tell you from experience. But this is a time of change. We need to take a stand. How many of your friends do you know you aren't going to see in Heaven? And I know I have trouble with this and this is something I am working on. There is a lot I have to work on in my life and this is just one of them.


p.s. please keep praying for me. This past month has been really hard for me and I could really use it. Thank you. :)

Isn't it Funny?

Isn't it weird how songs can change your mood? I've been listening to a playlist on my itunes and my mood has changed so many times. And it is totally based on the words of the song. For instance, one of the songs I heard was My Wish by Rascal Flatts and I was feeling happy and warm inside. Another song I heard was Picture to Burn by Taylor Swift and I was like omg do I really want to let myself into a situation like that and I felt totally reserved and hostile.
Maybe it's just me or the fact that I'm a girl, I go through so many feelings in a day. I can be a very emotional person. The smallest things can change my mood in an instant: a phone call, text message, comment, email, song. I'm sure many other people go through this too but it just amazes me. I'm so into how the mind works. The things that trigger us to feel a certain way. Memories that are triggered from these events.
First impressions. You think you get to know someone but sometime later something happens and they just totally shock you. Even the friends that you have had for the majority of your life, those who are pretty much your brother or sister. Even those who are your brothers and sisters.
I have been in a very complitative state lately. I have been wanting to write a lot more. But as I start to write I become very drowsy. I am pretty sure it is not because of my writing because I have been very interested in what I have to say, the words that are on the tip of my pencil just waiting to come out. Anyways, in this thoughtful state I've been in lately I've been thinking a lot about people. No one in particular but just the behavior of people I encounter every day. I guess I'm trying to say, or at least it's what has been on my mind lately, is that people are going to disappoint you and you just have to walk past it and keep on going. If they really meant what they did then the situation will just make you stronger. There will be people that will have clashing views as you. And because of your personalities, there will be some clashing in the conversations that you have. You just have to learn how to deal with people like this. There are plenty other people that God has in store for you. Some people are here to make you stronger. The situations that may come up between are preparing you. It may be to help people who have been through the same thing as you. Or there may be a similar situation and you will have the experience to help get to the right solution.
Don't be shallow. Don't judge people by their outward appearance. There is this song by Casting Crowns. It is called Does Anybody Hear Her. It is basically about giving people a chance. A chance to change their life around. How can we expect to save people if we don't talk to them? Don't even give them a chance to tell their story? Everyone needs compassion.
Well I don't know where I am going now. I know this blog went all over the place but I pretty much just talked about what came to mind and what I have been thinking about lately. I just need to get some stuff out.

So Far

So Far
So far things are going ok. I'm in the process of looking for a job that I can leave and come back to and a place to stay that I don't have to worry about paying rent for while I am away. I know that everything will work out and that I probably should be focusing on other things but because I'm so detail orientated I am freaking out over the little things...
Lately I've been wanting to sleep. And do nothing else. I find myself wanting to just curl up on the floor with my pillows and close my eyes and pretend that I am doing what I feel like I should be doing.
I'm becoming more accepted and more at ease with my decision. I have gotten some confirmation. Thank you all for the prayers.
Work has been stressful. Not because of the work I am doing but because of the hours they give me. My availability is like crazy open yet they give me more time off than I think they should. I mean they are always short on workers and need help. Plus, on top of that, they let me off early. I can't do anything about it but I mean like I really need the hours. Maybe it is time to find another job? I want a job that can help me with my leadership...gah i don't know.
I've talked to a few people now. Some of them are really encouraging and some not so much. I mean I know that this is going to be hard and I don't mind that they are just making sure that I'm doing ok but sometimes I wonder...
Oh and they still are not paying me for my job title, they are paying me less...I've been asking them about it and they say that they are just waiting for the paper work to go though. But does it really take two months to go though? And they said they did it like a week after I started working...oh great.
But enough complaining. God has been good. And faithful. He is giving my confirmation and friends to comfort me. Also, he really has been speaking to me. Like crazy good. Situations that I didn't think could turn out this way have definitely been turned around.
I am trying on making the best out of every situation. 1 Thessalonians 5:16~Be joyful always. And even though everything may seem like it is going in a downward spiral, I know God is just making me stronger. Preparing me for my future and what is to come. What I am going to have to face is nothing compared to what is going on now. And I am excited to see God work through my life and just let His glory shine though and get me though. My life is going to show the world what God can do in ordinary people.

My Calling*

Ok so I am still a little uneasy and a bit freaked out by these past couple weeks. So this semester had a rough start, but I was getting by. Well, about 2 weeks ago I started to feel very homesick. I had not yet felt the way I did and I was basically to the point that I wanted to buy a ticket home on the next plane heading home. However, I couldn't because I knew, and I strongly believe, that I was called to Hawaii by God. There would have been no other reason to move out here, except through college. And even that was a blessing. So, anyways, this past year I had a strong desire to go on mission trips that my church was taking its members on. I wasn't able to go because of school and I couldn't financially. Also, one of the trips happened during the same day my sister graduated and I was going home to see my family. Last Friday, Oct. 10, I broke down in front of the prayer team at church. I told Rolo and Corrie my situation and what I was going through. They prayed for me and Rolo got a word for me. He felt God was telling him that I was here for a reason and God had a bigger plan for me. This was very encouraging because I knew it wasn't just me wanting to be here in Hawaii. Later that night after service, I was hanging out and just talking to people. And God totally showed me the love of my church family. I felt so much better and I knew that I had people here who can come as close to family that you can get. Yeah I was still missing my family back home but I have so much here and I just wanted to embrace all that I have going for me here. Then on Sunday, after church and watching a movie, I came home. I called my mom and broke down again. I talked to her for almost 2 hours. This was when I wanted to buy a ticket home but I couldn't cause the words God spoke to me through Rolo were echoing in my ear. Well I found out some news that I had no idea would correspond to what I was about to tell my mom. I told her I wanted to become a full time missionary. I was a little shocked at myself for saying it because I wasn't sure if this was something I should be doing now and I hadn't prayed about it like at all. We came to a decision. I was going to take a break, and please don't say dropped out because I am still figuring this out, from school and just work. So as of last Tuesday Oct. 14 I am not enrolled in school. I am going to be working and saving up money to go on a mission trip by hopefully next summer. I am not sure on where I am going but I am praying about it and waiting for God to tell me where He needs me. I am still going to be living in Hawaii and I am going to be trying a few things out. This past Friday, the 17th, was an amazing night at church. I got to talk to Issac, on of my friends on the prayer team. I got to tell him what was going on in my life and about the decision I had just made. He was so encouraging. Then during the prayer team meeting I told Rolo. So I got some more prayer and I got another word from Rolo, which was very convicting. As we were praying for each other, the chairs, the service, and the worship band, I had this strong feeling that the service was going to be good; no not good, awesome. God was already moving, He always is, but tonight was different. There was a guest speaker that night and I had no idea what the service was going to be about; the church usually sends out an email on what the service is going to be on but since it was a guest speaker they just say that you are going to be blessed by what they have to say, and boy were they not joking this week. The speaker was Paul Risser, an amazing pastor. The entire service, and I mean entire, Issac was like see, that was just what I was telling you. OMG!! And how it was. It's hard to condense his sermon because if I talk about it I'm going to talk about the entire thing. (You can search Hope Chapel Kaneohe Bay on the Podcast section of iTunes and listen to this weekend's service to hear it. I STRONGLY recommend that you listen to it because it will touch your heart and really speak to you.) God totally spoke to me through the sermon and I was so shocked. Not that He used someone to speak to me but that they were just the words I needed to hear, and just needed. After the service, and during, I was like ok, this decision of taking some time off and seeing about becoming a missionary, is something I really want to do. As I was up on stage praying for people and waiting for more people to come up for prayer, one of my friends came up to me. At first we were just talking but then me and Rolo prayed for him and after we were done he asked if he could pray for me. Which I was really surprised because I wanted more prayer but I didn't know who I should asked cause I had already asked the prayer team and I had vaguely asked my mini church. Dan was part of the group in mini that I had asked but I barley know him; I actually meet him last week Friday Oct. 10, but he is one of those friends that I feel like I have know for like ever. Thank you Dan. So yeah right now I am still not settled but I think that God is going to use this time to help me grow. If you took the time to read this thank you so much for listening to me. Also, if you can be praying for me during this time. I will try to post some updates but if it has been awhile and you haven't heard anything just ask and I will be glad to let you know. Well I hope you have and awesome day, week, month, and year.

p.s. If you have any prayer requests feel free to message me and I would be glad to pray for you.

*this was actually written on October 19, 2008. I was a little late on posting it.